Good Bye Bitch!

No, I am not mad at anybody.  The bitch I am referring to is 2012.  I along with the rest of my family are glad to see this year gone.  For the first time in a number of years I am going to stay up to see the new year in.  This year it is not so much about seeing the new one in as seeing the old one out, gone, finished, do not want a do over! 

Dumbass and I had a conversation last week about psychics and how some people believe in them.  If you do that is your right and I don't judge you for your belief.  I personally do not.  I think that is an avenue that some people have found to make a good living.  Many psychics depend on repeat business so if you are able to see the future do you want to deliver news to someone that the whole damn year is gonna suck.  How would that work for having them to come back for more.  Had someone told me a year ago that during the next year that both of my brothers would be diagnosed with cancer and that both would die before the year is out I think I would have just gone ahead and run away, far, far away.  If you had told me that our mother who I have told you has very advanced Alzheimer's would in just a matter of days would go from someone still walking around and feeding themselves to being bed ridden and being fed a pureed diet I would have been skeptical about that also.  And if I had sat down with you and you had told me all that, I promise you that I would not have given you any more of my hard earned money!  But yet that is what the year has been like.  I much think I prefer not knowing and being able to depend on God's grace to get me through these things at the time they are happening.  No, I just lied, I don't think I would prefer it I know that is what I prefer.  There have been other things throughout the year that pretty much sucked (and I am sorry there is just not a better description) but these are the big things. 

But on a positive note through all this crap I have seen one of my grandsons become a Christian this year.  I have had friendships become stronger this year.  I have learned more about my own strength than what I wanted to know.  The year has not been all bad but I still am ready to see 2013 get here.  I can only hope it is a better year than the past one has been.  I am still saying there is a better day coming.  And yes I will still continue to say there is joy in the journey even though the journey through 2012 seems to have been paved with tears.  Here is hoping that the journey of 2013 is paved with laughter and tears of joy.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Once Again

Once again my heart is breaking.  Although I don't know that is accurate because it is hard for something to break that has never mended to begin with.  Last Wed. at about 9:30 I get a phone call from my brother in Oklahoma's girlfriend.  This is the brother that was diagnosed in May with multiple myeloma.  The phone call was to inform me that my brother had died.  We don't know what happened only that it was very quick as in talking and just a few minutes later was gone.  This was completely unexpected.  I am not sure if it was the suddenness of it or an accumulation of the last few months or a combination of both but I am having a harder time dealing with this one.  Both sisters said they felt the same way.  My most prevailing thought on Wed. and often since is that last year at Christmas there were 5 of us and this year there are only 3.  On Sat. we will gather to remember Edward and then privately bury his ashes with his two children.  Then we will gather as a family at my house and eat and just be.  As painful as this is I still give thanks that he didn't suffer and that he never had to sit with his Dr and hear them tell him there was nothing else they could do.  As my daughter says we are a family of 'bright siders'.  I am just getting a little tired of having to keep looking for it.  We will do what we do and that is carry on, in little baby steps that will increase in stride before we know it.  Good night all of ya'll

BAH HUMBUG!!!!!

I know I have been gone for a while and I will make no excuses.  You know that an excuse is just the skin off of a lie.  I could say I have been busy and I have been but as I have been heard to say, "we make time for those things that are important to us."  Plus the fact that I just can't seem to get it together to figure out what I want to write about.  Not that there is nothing but that there is too much!  As you should be used to by now, I digress.  I feel like I owe people around me an apology but I just do not have any Christmas spirit!!!!  I want the whole holiday season GONE!  I even told the preacher and his wife last Sunday if we don't quit singing 'Beautiful Star of Bethlehem' every Sunday in Dec. that next year I was not coming to church at all in the month of Dec.  They thought I was joking.  You see, that was Bobby's favorite Christmas song.  He looked forward to singing that song every year and wanted it sung the first and last Sunday in Dec.  This past Sun. would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary and guess what song the trio that sang one of the specials sang.  Yep, you got it.  I know my feelings are maybe a little more tender this year as we are going to have our 1st Christmas gathering without my brother but I just can not help it.  I told all of ya'll last year that if I was by myself this year at Christmas I was not dragging that tree out.  Well guess what and guess what?  I made one small concession.  My 9 year old niece (yes, my brother's daughter) seemed to be a little bothered that I didn't have any decorations up so I let her put the small tree that I put on the dining room table up.  I am sorry but I just do not have the heart for this.  I really am not a negative person but this is the time of year that it just seems to be so in your face that couples are doing things together and planning what to get each other for Christmas that it is an even stronger reminder for those of us who are alone.  I think I am doing the 'alone' thing pretty well most of the time but there are those moments when it does get to be overwhelming.  Well, ya'll have listened to me whine long enough.  I am ok but still even after all this time have those moments.  Remembering a couple of Indian proverbs:  "Live to fight another day." and "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."  The picture I am including is Christmas of 2010 when all 5 siblings were together at the holidays.  And yeah, you might be a redneck if you have your Christmas picture made at the Waffle House.  Thanks for listening.  I will try to be back sooner.  I am looking for a New Year's Eve party not so much to see the new year in but to see 2012 gone.  The year has pretty much sucked!  And my nieces and nephew would be disappointed because I always scolded them for using that term.  Oh well, see ya'll later.

Two in One Day, Wow!

Just very briefly, I have come to the conclusion that what a person does or does not have has absolutely no impact on whether that person has class.  When I think of a person who has 'class' it is more about how that person conducts themselves in all types of situations.  I have seen very well to do people who no matter what they did they were still just 'common'.  And by the same token I have seen those that materially didn't have a great deal but had more class in their little finger nail than many could ever hope to find.  Hats off to all you 'classy' folks!  Oh what is that saying?  Oh, yeah, (all of ya'll didn't really think I had forgotten did you?)  You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.  Bless they hearts some folk just need to quit trying.

Sometimes it is just funny!

At some point in the past I have done a post about horoscopes.  Sometimes just for s*#*'s and giggles I will read mine.  The following is my horoscope for today.

Your brain is buzzing in high gear, Taurus. Anyone else would get dizzy trying to process even a fraction of the things that filter through your head in one day. The key for you is to not speak every single thought aloud but to keep your processing internal. People want to hear your final decision, not the process you went through to reach it. You will save everyone a lot of time if you do.

I have said that it would scare some people the things that go through this head.  And, have also said if it ever short circuits there will be some people very afraid.  I mentioned to Dumbass the other day that sometimes it is amazing to me how quickly I can change gears and stay on track.  And, even though it may not seem like it sometimes I promise I don't speak every single thought.  And one of you know that I always process internally before I am ready to speak.  LOL!!!  I got a really good laugh out of this today and wanted to share.

Lasting Influence

I had a semi-revelation the other day.  I realized that in many things I ask myself, 'how would Daddy handle this' before I make alot of decisions.  I am reminded that even though gone for 12 years I still think about how he was always there when we needed him and he always seemed to give great thought before making big decisions and how much wisdom was involved.  I have been thinking about the last few minutes before Daddy died.  As Gerald was on one side of Daddy's head and I was on the other Gerald looked at me and said, "Connie, let's pray."  We joined hands and he started the prayer asking for God to give Daddy the strength to turn loose then I finished the prayer.  I don't remember all that I prayed except to thank God for giving us Daddy and I finished with asking God to help us in the coming days to conduct ourselves in a manner that not only would honor Daddy but honor God as well.  It was only seconds after I had said Amen that Daddy took his last breath.  I did not realize at that moment that 'the coming days' would still extend this many years later.  Because, I still ask myself, 'how would Daddy handle this'.

We never know the influence that we are leaving behind.  I have said a few times this year how badly I missed Daddy because no matter what was going on when Daddy showed up you just knew everything was gonna be ok.  He didn't have to do anything he was just there.  I have also come to realize as I have heard several times this year, 'oh thank God you are here' that there are those who look at me in much the same way.  I cannot even begin to explain how precious that is to me.  So today I will say, "Thank you Daddy for the influence you left on my life and may what I do continue to honor you."

Told all of ya'll I was gonna do it!

As in told all of ya'll (cos you know that is the plural of ya'll) that I was going to get the same tattoo as my daughter.  Was on my way home from my SC home today to my NC home and had to make a side trip related to business # 2 which would have led me home through a town that has a reputable tattoo, what do you call them, shop?, parlor?, business?. Oh well at any rate gave them a call to see if they could do me (oh doesn't that sound naughty?) this afternoon.  And of course with a $20.00 deposit they would be glad to fit me in.  You know you have heard me say in the past there are those people that will talk, those who will talk about doing, and those who do.  Made my mind up that it was time to quit talking about it and do it.  So I now have my first tattoo.  It looks very similar to my daughter's.  My loop is bigger than her's and the tails are shorter.  But the meaning is the same.  Purple is the color of the awareness ribbon for gastro-intestinal cancers and for Alzheimer's Disease.  As my father died of colon cancer, my husband and baby brother died of stomach cancer and my mother has Alzheimer's this speaks to my heart.  It is a tribute and a reminder of what my family has lost and the memories we still cling to.  It was worth every sting.  These are some of the people who are so near and dear to my heart.  I loved them dearly and cherish every moment that we had together.  I am also reminded that, yes, life is for the living but we never forget those who have gone before us. 

Nov. 1, Today I Am Thankful For:

All of ya'll know that today starts 30 days of thanksgiving.  Today I am thankful for common sense.  It really is a rare commodity.  I have a high school diploma and no other formal education.  However, I do consider myself a fairly intelligent person.  I read a lot and am self taught in a lot of things.  I can change a tire, change my oil, hang a ceiling fan, hang mini blinds, cook fairly well, figure out how to assemble those things that come "some assembly required".  I can talk about a variety of subjects without embarrassing you or me.  With all that being said without the common sense to apply what you know, knowledge in and of itself, is not a great deal of use.  So today I am thankful that God blessed me with some common sense.

Let's Try This Again

As in let's try getting back into some kind of routine again.  I really do very well with spontaneous stuff and sometimes the seat of my britches gets awfully thin from flying by them.  And as chaotic as my life seems to some people there really is a rhythm to it.  Granted it is a rhythm that marches to a different drummer but it is mine none the less.  I just want to get back into it.  Seems like the last 6 or 7 months have been a constant disruption in it.  I am not complaining mind you just stating a fact.  Mama was discharged from the hospital yesterday back to the nursing home.  This evening I am going to go south again until the end of the week.  I had gotten current on everything and now I am a week behind again.  So even going late I will be able to get up in the morning and get started working and will have 3 full days to catch up and do a little extra.  Going Fri. evening to what has become an annual tradition with my daughter and her family with friends of hers that always include me in their get togethers.  So getting ready to pack my truck and head south via a horse sale.  Will share a couple of thoughts with you before I leave.  Children in back seats cause accidents.  Accidents in back seats cause children.

There Is Gonna Be a Better Day

Have made the comment to several people over the past couple of days that there is going to be a better day and I wish it would hurry the hell up! I write this post from my mother's hospital room.  Got the phone call from the nursing home where she is a resident on Tues night that she had fallen and they suspected a broken hip.  This was about 6:30 p.m.  This was also one of those rare nights I had already put the sweat pants on (cos the weather has gotten cooler) sweatshirt was on and I was leaned back in the recliner enjoying an adult beverage and reading.  The thought had already crossed my mind that I was going to bed early.  Not meant to happen!  Sent a text to both sisters and then put my clothes back on.  Waited for one sister to get to my house then we left and met the other sister and then headed to the hospital.  Yes the hip is broken so we waited until she was in a room and I took the two sisters to their vehicles and came back to the hospital and spent the night.  Oh it was about 11:15 when they got her in a room.  I have mentioned in previous posts that our mother has Alzheimer's.   Mama has very advanced Alzheimer's.  She is still mobile but has not known who any of us were for probably going on 2 years.  She has also lost her ability to talk.  Oh, she makes noises but nothing that makes any sense.  She also doesn't really understand what we are telling her. If you are giving her something to eat just telling her to open her mouth doesn't mean anything to her.  You pretty much have to touch her lips with a spoon.  Makes you think of a baby bird.  The thought crossed my mind several times over the night and this morning that this is about the most pitiful thing I have ever seen.  As a daughter it also pained me a great deal to have to help hold my mother down to receive a shot while she was screaming the whole time.  As I may or may not have mentioned before, if you know where you are going there are much worse things than death.  My experience with my mother over the past good number of years has also caused me to re-evaluate my feelings on assisted suicide and I also have very mixed feelings about the drugs for Alzheimer's.  What I do not have mixed feelings about is when the admitting Dr. asked about a DNR I had not hesitation at all saying if it is an issue by all means DNR. This is something the siblings had already talked about in the past and are all in agreement on.  How cruel would it be to bring someone back to the life that she has now. I am going to try to grab a nap while I can.  I am functioning on about 3 hours sleep (and not 3 continuous either!) in the past 40 hours.  Surgery will be tomorrow and then we will go from there.  To be continued I am sure.  Oh!, and on a side note, I mentioned in last post that I had to start the count over.  Well not only did I go 115 days without a period then had one, 2 weeks later I had another.  That shit really ain't funny! 

Misc. thoughts and ramblings

A week or so after my brother died my sister-in-law posted one of my sayings with the trailer that a wise woman had told her.  One of her friends commented that it must have been her mother.  Before she could respond one of my sister posted that it sounded like a "Connieism".  Her response was that it was indeed from me.  Now I just like that!  "Connieism"  I have arrived just like Yogi Bera!  I have told ya'll I speak perfect idiom.  While the truth is that they are all "borrowed" from others, I just use my little sayings probably more than most.  Will share a few starting with the one she quoted.

'We do not change our mind, we simply make new decisions based on new information.'  This particular saying came from Zig Zigler.  You see for a person to change their mind implies that they were wrong and few people like to admit to being wrong.  So you make a new decision based on new information.

It is what it is and we do what we have to do.  Not sure where this came from but we say it ALOT in our family. 

'You can't unring the bell'.  All of ya'll can figure that out.  It goes along with, 'it is like blowing smoke back in a cigerette' or 'it is like putting an elevator in an outhouse'. 

One of my nieces has told me before that she just loves all my little sayings, and I just love that.

Have been feeling sorry for myself for the past several days and I am just tired of it.  Really feeling the loss of father, husband, and brother the past few week or so.  Which really is not surprising since we have decided that Sept. just pretty much sucks.  With that being said I had, for lack of a better word, a revelation while riding in my truck a couple of days ago.  (I am thinking of applying for a zip code for it, the truck that is.) My revelation was this.  Yes, I miss Daddy and yes I miss Bobby more than I can explain.  Naturally with it being so soon I am having that 'damn! I am never going to be able to see my brother again' feeling.  But I realized that as badly as I miss them the person that I miss the most is ME!  So with that being said I am going to make a concentrated effort to get back to being the positive, optimistic, humor loving, would rather laugh than cry person that I enjoy being around.  You know it really is sad when you realize that you don't even want to be around yourself!  It is time to be fun again!  Oh, and by the way, the count is over.  And to go against what Larry the Cable Guy says, this shit ain't funny I don't care who you are.  115 days with no period and start again!  So here we go again.  As much as I am going to try to see humor in as much as possible and laugh as much as possible there just is not any in that.  Ah well, I warned you before hand that these were misc. ramblings.  TTYL

I Have a Theory

I will issue a disclaimer here, I really am just rambling.  I could rant but just don't have the energy and am in the sort of mood that I could work up a good rant about lots of different stuff so I am going to be kind to all of us.  Anyway, I have a theory.  I am on the menopause count again.  110 days, so that puts me at almost 1/3 of the way there.  I have heard women over the years talk about thinning hair as they entered menopause.  Well girls, here is my theory.  It doesn't thin it just moves!  In giving away some of Bobby's things I wisely held onto his mustache trimmer.   I use it to trim mine!  Now we know that I haven't slowed down much in the past month.  But one thing that I don't think I have shared is that I avoid mirrors as much as possible.  Vanity is really not one of my bigger faults, there is a long list ahead of that.  However, getting home this evening I was wiping my eye makeup off and happened to look in the mirror.  OMG!  I had a fu man chu going on! (and while I realize that is probably not spelled correctly, ya'll know what I am talking about).  Grabbed the trimmer and went to work.  I also have hair on my chest now that I never had before.  Now I have never had any body waxing but if it comes in a 5 gallon bucket then we may have to rethink this thing.  I sometimes feel like a kiwi that has mold growing on it.  Ah, come on now, ya'll have seen them and know how fuzzy they can get!  Ah well, I guess it is what it is and I will continue to trim and pluck and shave.  And hopefully in 255 more days I can say YES!  Have a great day/evening depending on where you are and when you read.  (See wasn't that chuckle you got better than hearing me bitch!)

3 Damn Long Years

It has been 3 years ago today that I became a widow.  Time does help and I guess in some ways it does get easier, I guess.  I realize that I am probably more 'in tune' with it than I might have otherwise been had I not lost my brother this week to the very same cancer that made me a widow.  Oddly enough I had said that I knew I was being selfish but I hoped that Gerald did not die on the same day as Bobby.  And he didn't, kinda.  The date was different but about 2/3 of the way into my trip I realized that they both died the Tues. morning after Labor Day.  So even though the date was different in an odd sort of way it was the same.  In talking with my sister-in-law on Wed. I told her how scary it was for me to be 50 years old and on my own for the very first time in my entire life.  I shared with her how I just wanted to curl up and die myself and while it would have been very easy to don my 'widow's weeds' and just go to work and then go home I made my mind up that if I did then the cancer had defeated us both and I would be damned if I let it take me with it too.

In many ways these 6 months since my brother was diagnosed for me have been like reliving it all again with Bobby.  My brother was a wonderful man and made a great impact on a tremendous amount of people.  As with Bobby and now with Gerald I hope that when my time is over that I will be as well remembered as they have been.

In the mean time I will say again if what I went through with Bobby was to prepare me to help my family through all this with Gerald then I am honored to be able to do so.  Even though my heart is broken right now and I fell like an injured dog that just wants to go off by itself and lick its wounds I still say there is joy in the journey.

Shared

The following is a post of my daughter's that she posted to her blog a couple of days ago that I am compelled to share.  The picture at the end is her tattoo which she got to honor her Papaw and her Daddy.  Mine is going to be identical.

 

 

Let's be honest, September Sucks---Be warned this is a little long

I am not a person to air dirty laundry or things along those lines. I pride myself on holding stuff close to vest, except where those closest to me are concerned then I am an open book including table of contents, and appendix. So I briefly shall explain why September for all intents and purposes sucks royally.

I am a person who trust whole heartedly until given a reason not to, once a reason is presented, I am done. I love the same way. If you are "in my circle" you are in and there is nothing within my power I wouldn't do for anyone "in my circle". I get it honest, it's genetic. Once your in, your in for life.

When I was growing up there was a man in my life that was without a doubt one of the greatest men the good Lord above put on this earth. I lovingly called him Papaw-I named him seeing as how I was the lucky one being the first grand kid. Papaw called me Monkey as long as I could remember. The man was small man by measure but in my eyes he was ten feet tall and bullet proof and had a green thumb that would make Martha Stewart seethe with jealousy. Every summer until I was 16 I spent the week of July 4th with him, just us, till he remarried and the other grand kids got potty trained (Papaw's rule you had to be able to go by yourself, to go by yourself). Once some of the grandsons were able to go on the journey with us. The only trip the two oldest and two youngest (at the time) made together has been talked about for the last 16 years. There is a picture on facebook that will give you an idea of the way the trip went. But I digress. Papaw was a truck driver, who never failed to make me car sick in his little car but made his big rig ride like a Caddy. This little giant managed to survive and aneurysm, only losing his sense of smell. Ironically enough he only liked one type of body was...Country apple from Bath and Body works, and the man knew the difference. However he was diagnosed with colon cancer. We watched this man who set the standard for which I measured men, turn into a man who couldn't beat the monster that took control of his body. He passed away in September 2000.

Then came September 2009. After an 18 month roller coaster with as many ups as downs, I had to call my older siblings and say, "you need to get here, you need to get here now." In the days that followed, there were some many laughs and tears. I can't tell you the number of times I said prayers to just let it be peaceful. That Saturday night, I had to curl up beside my daddy and tell him that it was ok, that we would be ok and he didn't have to hang on just for us. I can not begin to tell you how bad it hurt, and how it felt like such a huge lie. I also had to curl up beside this man who loved his grandchildren and children as much as he loved life itself, and tell him how much I appreciated him being there when I needed him and how much I loved him. We had him surrounded by his grand kids, who would wonder in and out saying how much they loved their Poppa. September 8 was the last day of the battle. The monster won again. That made the second time, a man that I considered larger than life who had to face the giant.

On to March 2012. I found out one night while at my mom's for supper that her youngest brother was having some stomach issues. Immediately we were worried, though being a family of bright siders we didn't show it. As test were run, we still saw the bright side. Then the day came, the news came. It's cancer, stomach cancer. He was 42 at the time, with a daughter getting ready to graduate college, and one in elementary school, and a step-son finishing his first year of college, and another step-son who was newly engaged. Yes, you can imagine how many times, why him was uttered. Shortly after his diagnoses, his brother was diagnosed with multiple myolomia. While younger brother was given a promising outlook, older brother's wasn't looking so bright. Some how fate decided to pull the ole switcheroo. The beginning of August brought about a long stay in the hospital for younger brother. Well last Friday, I get a phone call I had once had to make. Get here and get here quick. The doctors said two weeks to two months. Now anyone that has ever had to hear those words knows that it is like a ton of cinder blocks are dropped onto you from a crane 400 feet in the air. Thankfully hubs was able to load up and go with the boys and I. We head out Friday, getting there late Friday night, and go to the hospital Saturday morning. Walking into that room, I saw a man who I will always remember as being a cowboy in the true sense of the word. I saw a man who once served his country in the Army. I also saw a man who was enjoying the friends and family there to spend what could be his last days with him, he laughed, and smiled, and told story after story. I also saw a man that the monster who had taken my two first true heroes was doing it's very best to take a third. It was slowly winning. After a good visit over the weekend, I got to spend a few minutes just us. I told him how much I loved him and how much I appreciated the fact that even though we didn't see or talk to each other everyday, I always knew he was a phone call away. No matter the problem, how big or small, I knew he was there.

So as much as it hurts already, the Monster is going to win again. It will win again in September. September will forever be the most dreaded month of the year. We are still holding on to youngest brother, and he is still fighting as much as he can. Sadly the harder he fights, the stronger the monster gets.

We will trek up the mountain to visit with the family tomorrow. I realize there is an entirely to strong possibility that after this weekend I may never see him again. I have full intentions to tell him again just how much I love him, and how much I am gonna miss him, but will have to say the words all over again, we are gonna be ok.

The monster has apparently developed a liking of my family and I wished it would leave us the hell alone.

Been Gone for too Long

Hi all of ya'll,
Remember me?  Yeah, kinda what I thought.  It has been a long time since last post and there is much to tell and probably won't remember the half.  Hey, isn't that a song, The Half has Never Been Told?  As usual I digress.  I have been flying below the radar probably very literally since I have been on the road...a lot!  Starting the first full week in August I started working on 'duel citizenship', not countries but states.  Starting a new business venture in SC and as a result am living part time in one place and part time in the other.  Trying to set up business and housekeeping in SC while keeping things going for at least another year or so in NC.  Add to that working out the scheduling of working around a sale in VA one time a month then add to that the decline in one brother's health.  My brother is dying and we all know it.  Had a call on Fri. that called the family in so I have spent the past week in VA, all but one night of it in a hospital.  We truly thought we would not get him home again but praise be to God he was able to come home on Wed. evening.  This is and has been very stressful but as I mentioned to the family on Wed. morning we all know what is happening so let's just drag that big white elephant out in the middle of the room and let him join the party.  We have laughed, we have cried, and we have laughed some more.  He has put me in charge of writing the book based around what we all know are these last days.  He even gave me what per his instructions is to be the title of this book.  I will do it and do it as well as I possibly can so that it honors his memory.  I write this because of the need to write and because my heart is breaking.  My baby brother who since his birth has been a big part of my life is going to leave us very soon.  I have never lost a sibling to death before so this is very new to me.  I have lost a child, a parent, and a husband but this is the first sibling.  None of them are easy.  But as I have said, I have broad shoulders and dear friends, especially Dumbass who drove for 12 hours round trip in one day just to make sure I was ok.  Add to this that the anniversary of my husband's death is in one week.  Almost 3 years ago I became a widow and in some ways it does not seem that long but in some ways it seems 100 years ago (maybe because in the past few days I feel about 100 years old).  But life goes on.  Doesn't mean we always like it but it does go on.  And, again I say life is about choices and you can choose to live or you can choose to exist.  I choose to live and enjoy my life.  So after this temporary pause I will get back to my 'duel citizenship' and yep will still be on the road.....alot.

Much To Be Said

There is much to be said for having good friends!  I have written before how much I value my friends and they are priceless.  After a steady day's work what a privilege to take a good shower and visit with friends over a pizza and a cold beer around the kitchen table then move to the front porch to sit and rock and just visit.  Sometimes you don't realize the stress relief that it is until it has been relieved!  You know, the kind of friends that you can sit and talk or just sit and be and one is as comfortable as the other.  Thanks ya'll, you know who you are, and looking forward to doing it more often.

Making More Memories

Thing 1 and Thing 2 are just funny.  I met Janelle, Kenneth, and the boys for supper tonight at a local bar and grill that has corn hole in the back and a room with pool tables.  I just think it is cool that these boys don't blink twice when they expect me to play stuff with them.  We played corn hole while we waited on our food then after we ate we had to shoot a game of pool.  Now , I know very little about shooting pool.  As a matter of fact they know more than I do.  But, apparently to 5 and 8 year old grandsons, "I don't know how to shoot pool" is not an acceptable excuse not to.  LOL  It was fun and I hope one of those times when they are grown and sitting around talking this will be one of those times of "remember when Granny?".  Pretty cool!  They were here at my house a couple of weeks ago and I had the Drifters and Temptations playing and was trying to show Thing 2 how to dance to it and he looks at me and says, "Granny, I am just not comfortable with this."  There has been a lot of dancing in my kitchen. And I think that is just cool. 

Killing Time

Sitting in the airport in Dallas, TX waiting for my connection to Greensboro.  Flight was scheduled to leave at 7:50 p.m. CST putting me in Greensboro at 11:25 p.m. EST putting me in my drive way by 1:00 a.m.  Flight rescheduled to 9:03 then to 9:18.  So I am just hanging out and killing time.  Ready to get back home.  I think the last time that I was gone anywhere near this length of time was in the early 90's.  3-4 days is about my limit then I get ready to get home.  Ah well will be there sometime before daylight (I hope!)  Got to work tomorrow.  Have a great evening!  More later.  Oh a thought to ponder.  Why is bra singular and panties plural?  Things that make you go huuummm?

Wrapping It Up

Wrapping up my week in OK tomorrow.  Still not a great deal to report.  We did go to the Western Heritage Museum in OK City yesterday and that was very interesting,  This used to be known as the Cowboy Hall of Fame.  But it was so much more than cowboys.  Afterwards we went by the memorial for the OK City bombing of the Murrah Building.  It was kinda' humbling to stand on those grounds.  Other than a couple of trips for chemo it has been pretty much sitting around.  I have cleaned horse stalls and helped with feeding, kept the dishes washed up but other than a couple of loads of clothes that is pretty much it.  It is official, I am not real good at doing nothing.  I am as tired from doing nothing as I would have been from working all week.  I was able to come up with a few things that will help me in my new quest.  Looking forward to starting that.  Will be winging my way back home tomorrow evening.  I know this is terribly shallow but I will be glad to see my truck.  She has been sitting in the long term parking at the airport all week.  I will be glad to see her because that is what is taking me home and I will be driving a familiar vehicle (not that I have driven much this week but still).  I did realize this morning that I have never flown at night so kinda looking forward to that since the moon is about half full.  More later from home.

Sorry

Hate to disappoint but no adventures from OK at this point.  It has been very calm and I have not managed to get into anything.  I must say that it has been a very looooong time since I have had this many days of inactivity.  I am not sure at all that I could get used to it.  Ah well, have gotten to spend more time with a brother than I have in a long time and have had a chance to formulate some plans.  Not wasted time at all.  All of ya'll have a great evening/day where ever you may be and I will be back.

Had Written Earlier

I had written earlier but was having trouble getting it to post so I will start over.  Arrived in Greensboro around 3:00 a.m. and rested a bit but was going to try to stay awake to hopefully sleep on the plane.  Did get a little cat nap but never sound asleep.  And did not go to sleep on plane.  It was actually not a bad flight at all.  I never really dreaded it but just didn't look forward to it.  Then into Dallas for a couple of hours before leaving again for OK City.  That leg of the flight was pretty much up then down.  Only in the air about 30 minutes. Overall not a bad flight at all.  Have taken about a 20 minute power nap since getting to my brothers.  I am feeling physic, I predict a really good night's sleep tonight.  I am sure as the week evolves I am going to have some interesting tales to tell, I am somewhere I have never been before so this should be good for a few stories.  More later!

Just Call Me Willie

Just call me Willie as in Willie Nelson cos I am "On the road again".  Actually I am not on the road right now.  I have stopped for the night.  Left after work and came to VA to spend the night with the baby brother before going to the horse sale tomorrow.  Will leave the horse sale and stop at the airport in Greensboro to await my flight out to OK to spend next week with the other brother.  The goal is to be tired enough to sleep all the way to my connecting flight in Dallas.  Now let me say that flying is not my favorite mode of transportation.  I would much rather drive but it is what it is.   Will get back home and start getting ready for the next road trip the following weekend which is the start of a new venture/adventure.  Told someone this week who had commented on my being gone a lot that I had heard most accidents happen within 5 miles from home so I was trying to lower my odds.  Also, said that I have figured out why it is so difficult for me to stop smoking.  I know all of ya'll are ready for this.  It is because it is socially unacceptable to start drinking at 8:00 a.m.  They are my lies and I am sticking to them.  To be continued from OK.  See ya'll soon!

What Men Say

What men say is not necessarily what women hear.  Now if any of you who read are male, I will attempt to scratch the surface and for you women I can hear you saying, 'you know she's right'.  A man's intention may be entirely good but what he says doesn't always come across as what he means.  For instance, (ya'll should have seen that coming) yesterday afternoon my phone rang at 6:00 p.m.  It was a male friend.  Actually, this was a gentleman that I dated some and while it didn't work out we have remained friends. (Even though at times I have to remind him that friends is all we are ever going to be.)  He asked how I was, was I having a good weekend, and what was I doing.  I explained that I was at the beach and we were just leaving the beach and going to get something to eat.  He replied, oh, so I guess you can't go out to eat.  My reply was nope I am not available.  Now while I am sure that his intentions were good, this is not the first time that this has happened.  Let me 'splain something Lucy, unless we have been hanging out and decide to go get a bite to eat before we quit hanging out, if you wait until 6:00 p.m. to ask me out to eat, guess what, I am gonna be busy.  While he asked did I want to go out to eat what I heard was, 'here it is at 6:00 on a Sat. night and I don't have anything to do, I will call Connie because she probably don't have anything to do either.'  Another example:  The last gentleman that I dated asked me on the Sun. morning after my 84 hour week that I wrote about when talking about my crash day what I was going to do after church.  I patiently explained that I was going to church, going  home and sleeping I hoped until Monday morning.  After church he asked me if I was still going to go home and go to sleep.  Well at this point you should have been able to look at me and know the answer to that question.  My reply was a not so patient "yes".  He asked me if I would call him later if I woke up in the afternoon.  At that point the reply was pretty much a grunt.  I did wake up around 6 and I did call because I am polite like that.  He then asked if I had slept and I answered with yes I had.  He then asked what I was going to do next.  My answer was to get up, put my pajamas on and go back to bed.  He then replied with, 'oh, I thought maybe you could come up here and I would take you to get something to eat because I miss you.'  With a very curt, "I really don't give a @^$& about eating right now I just want to sleep and I will talk to you in a day or two because I am going to be very busy tomorrow" I hung up.  Now while he may have been concerned with my need to eat, what I heard was that he really didn't give two cents how tired I was, he was more concerned with the fact that he felt neglected.  I could give you many more examples but just remember whichever sex you are that what men say is not necessarily what women hear.  To be continued I am sure.

Making Memories

It should come as no great surprise, but I am gone again.  Again,  just an overnight trip, but left this evening after work with Janelle and headed to the beach.  My son-in-law has an aunt who lives at the beach and he and the boys left this morning to get here by lunch time.  As previously mentioned Janelle and I left after work and came down.  I will be going back home tomorrow (or actually this evening).  We have had a great ride down and a great time since we got here.  As we are at the beach and  a lot of folks left today or getting ready to leave in the morning they are packing up and throwing stuff away.  Our entertainment for the night was 'dumpster diving'.  Not actual dumpsters but riding around looking for stuff that folks had thrown away rather than taking it home.  LMAO!!!! Thing 1 was super excited about going and has the eyes of an eagle!  Thing 2 was the Moral Majority of this group and was concerned with the fact that we might be stealing.  After explaining to him that if people were throwing it away we were not stealing from them.  And the funny part is we made quite a haul.  5 beach umbrellas of which we are going to be able to salvage 2 or 3.  About 20 chairs of which we are going to be able to salvage about 10 of them.  2 charcoal grills both of which are in good shape, 1 cooler which just needs a new plug, and one big ass rug which is not hurt at all!  Yep pretty good night to spend riding around with the kiddos and collecting garbage.  Remember, one man's trash is another man's treasure.  A new experience for me and one that I am sure will probably happen again.  To be continued I am sure.

Those Boys Have Done It Again

I am referring to Thing 1 and Thing 2.  As much as sometimes I just want to beat the tar out of them, oh wait, maybe I have.  Anyway, although sometimes I want to pinch their heads off they have their moments that they sure do make a Granny proud.  Last night was one of those proud moments.  We all went to a visitation at the funeral home for a mutual friend's mother.  It was those 2 boys, their mama and daddy, myself and another couple who are also friends.  Those two boys who are now 5 and 8 stood quietly in line, didn't fidget or dance around.  They stood there like very well behaved young men.  When we reached the family they each went through and shook hands with all the family.  I was just as proud as a peacock!  They didn't shy away even from the people they didn't know.  You know you can overlook the bickering and fussing with each other sometimes when you stop to remember that even at this age they know how to conduct themselves like gentlemen.  We then all went to eat together and they were still so well behaved.  Sat at the table without interrupting grown folks and waited their turn to talk.  They used their best manners with the waitress remembering to say please and thank you.  Yep, makes a Granny proud.

Psssst. I Have Been Gone Again

LMAO!  Sitting at job 3 on Friday thinking that I had nothing to do over the weekend and nobody to do it with!  It doesn't happen often but I was looking at 2 weekends back to back like this.  While I realize this is a rare thing and most people would enjoy the time at home without having to do anything, I just could not stand the thought of looking at these 4 walls all weekend.  Well there is an app for that!  It is called a road trip!  Have I mentioned I love my truck?  What I haven't mentioned is that I have figured out how long it takes a car seat to mold to the driver's rear end.  About 12,000 miles.  I have gotten mine just so.  Now where to go?  Needed to be back by Sun. morning and couldn't leave till Fri evening so a trip to Ma's was not an option although I am really needing to go up the mountain.  Maybe in August.  So where to go for a one night/one day trip?  Had one of those ah ha moments and decided to take off, spend the night and get up this morning and roam around where my dart landed.  It was great!  Checked out the area, gathered some information and just looked around.  Headed back up the road and took a side trip to see some friends.  I was within 20 miles of them and it was just too close not to go by.  I love these friends because their home is a 2nd home to me.  I love being able to send a text to ask if they were home and then send another that said I will be there in about 25 minutes if that is ok.  Had a really good visit then rode by to check out plan B which may very well turn into plan A.  It was a great trip, stopped by Wally World on my way home and got to see Janelle and the boys.  Then home to cut my grass.  Will get the floors swept and mopped tomorrow.  Have I mentioned it takes me longer to mop than it does to mow?  I just think that is funny!!!  Of course I do have a slightly twisted sense of humor and there are some things that strike me funny that, God bless 'em, others just don't see the humor in.  Oh well.  Gonna call it a night.  TTYL

Clean Your Own House First

Let me start with a disclaimer, I am not upset, I am not on a rant, I am merely making an observation about human nature.  I use the term 'clean your own house first' as a way of saying take care of your own business before you start taking care of others.  (remember my 2nd language is idiom).  Stop for just a moment and think how much better the world would be if people would stop to realize that none of us are perfect.  Not even your awesomeness here!  Excuse me for being blunt here, but each and every one of us have shit we are not proud of!  You may or may not have heard me say when you can walk on water you may judge me and likewise when I can walk on water I will judge you.  Dumbass has told me before that I am one of the least judgemental people he knows.  You know why?  Because I have screwed up plenty in my life and I know how it feels for people to point their bony fingers and gossip!  I choose not to be that way.  But because I know my faults and shortcomings, until I am perfect (which on this side of the dirt will never happen) then I can not! and will not pretend to tell other people what they should do with their lives.  But, sadly this is an attitude that few people seem to adopt.  Don't talk about what other people's kids are doing because you don't know what yours are going to do sometime.  Don't talk about other people's relationships because you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Unfortunately so many people spend so much time tending to other people's business and judging them for the decisions that they make that they neglect their own shortcomings.  So just some sage advice from an old woman who's been there, done that, clean your own house first before you try to clean someone else's.

Happy Birthday America!

Happy birthday to what is still one of the greatest countries in the world.  Ok, got that out of the way.  Damn a day off in the middle of the week!  It feels too much like Sat. but yet you know you have to go back to work tomorrow.  I did get my truck cleaned up good today so that was a plus.  I had just about let it get out of hand.  They just ride so much better when they are clean.  And, since I have no qualms about climbing in it and taking off I needed to get it cleaned up.  Oh and on that note started to post on Sun. "Pssst.  I am gone again."  But as I was gone again I never got around to it.  At any rate all of you in the U.S. enjoy your 4th of July festivities and be safe.  Leaving in a couple of hours to celebrate a grandson's birthday at a baseball game.  (how fitting, one of America's past times)  We will have lots of fun but I don't think I will put my name in the hat for some of the between innings games.  Did that last year and got chosen for the 'dizzy bat race' and almost cleared out the home team dugout.  But it was what I hope will be a memory for the grandkids, that one day when they are older they will be talking and say, 'remember when Granny?  Hope to provide them with lots of those moments.  Have a great day and as the Terminator says, "I'll be back".

For The Record

I have had several people comment to me this week about my being gone alot.  This often happens from time to time (the commenting).  Yes, I am aware that I am gone alot.  I work 3 jobs one of which requires 3 days a month in 2 different states, another which requires that I go see clients occassionally.  I also find other things to do.  With that being said, I get tired of hearing it.  Sometimes I think it is jealousy and other times it is people being just plain damn nosy!  So let me just say here that until you are making my truck payment, putting gas in my truck, paying for the maintence, buying tires, or just paying my bills and keeping my house clean, my laundry done, and my grass cut it is none of your damn business how much or where I go.  And while I am on a rant here let me also say that if I want your advice I will ask for it.  If I want you opinion about what I am doing I will also ask for it.  If you are trying to pick me about other people let me remind you that it is not my story to tell so I won't be telling it.  If you are just trying to create middle school drama I don't have the time or energy for it. So if you have something to say kindly raise your hand and then place it over your mouth. 

I Have Thrown My Dart

Yes, indeedy, I have thrown my dart.  Actually did it about 3-4 weeks ago.  I have said that I sometimes want to put a map on the wall, throw a dart, and then that is where I am going to.  Well, I threw my dart and it was very interesting where it landed.  And, as I started researching the area it is very interesting.  It is in an area where jobs that I am qualified for are actually not that scarce.  When I was talking to Dumbass about it he asked me if I really thought I could leave where I am.  When I told him yes, I really did, he responded with "but that is home".  My response to that was, "home is where you make it".  This is something that I have considered for a little over a year.  Just picking up, going somewhere, and beginning again.  I have talked with my daughter, my baby brother, and Dumbass about this.  My reasoning is fairly simple.  I loved being married to Bobby and we had a good strong marriage.  I have told all three of these people that please don't misunderstand what I am getting ready to say but the reality is as long as I stay where I am now, I will always be 'Bobby's wife'.  Not that I mean that was a bad thing and God only knows I wish I still were.  But, he is not here and he ain't coming back.  In many ways I still am a wife, I just don't have a husband.  Remember, how I have said grief is a journey that is different for everybody?  And that there is no right or wrong way to deal with it?  I am feeling more and more for me to truly move on I need to do it somewhere where I can have my own identity.  Relating very much to Raschal Flatts song, "I'm Movin' On".
To be continued I promise!

Another 'Steel Magnolia' Moment

Ok, a little background here because you know I can't tell a short story.  I love the movie "Steel Magnolias".  It really does show the strength of women and Southern women in particular.  Remember a couple of weeks ago that I identified myself with Weezer?  Well now I feel a little like Drum.  Three or four houses down from me is a family who has a dog who stays in an outside pen.  That dog barks a lot.  I never notice that dog!  I realize that he is barking but it is just kinda background noise and has never bothered me.  On the other hand, my sister-in-law and brother have remarked several times when they have slept in my bedroom that the dog kept them awake.  Has never bothered me!  I live on the main road through town and there is a tremendous amount of traffic and I never really notice except for the occasionally siren.  And typically when I go to sleep nothing bothers me.  I talk to people sometime who comment on how bad a storm was at night and I am like, "we had a storm?"  When I am not suffering from menopausal insomnia I sleep really, really sound.  Now with all that being said let me tell you what has been waking me up and keeping me awake.  A flippin' bird!!!!!  After day 2 of prednisone induced insomnia I had just gone to sleep and outside my bedroom window a bird starts to sing!  Not the soothing chirp, chirp, tweet, tweet songbird, oh no!  This bird makes a damn different racket.  It is not an owl or a whip-or-will.  Its sound is not quite a squawk.  I am not sure what the hell it is other than noise!  Finally go back to sleep only to repeat the same thing the next night.   Wasn't at home the next night but then the next when I get home from a sale and go to bed at 2:00 a.m. and am bone weary guess what is singing it's nightly song?  Oh yes!  Groaned, cussed and pulled the cover over my head and finally went to sleep.  Flippin' bird is driving me insane!  I realize that is a fairly short trip but really?  A bird?  I am having visions of going into the yard in my night clothes shooting into the trees!    Got home from work this afternoon and what do I hear?  Yep, my bird.  I am gazing around in the yard looking into the trees and finally saw it.  It is a cardinal.  It was almost as if that stinkin' bird was sitting in that tree watching me and mocking me!!!!  I now have visions of a firecracker laced arrow being shot into the trees!  (You have to know the movie)  Sent a text to a friend to tell him I figured out what kind of bird it is with a message saying that I handle things about as well as anybody I know but this bird is just really messing with me!  Of all the stupid things to loose sleep over I have a beautiful red cardinal who has their days and nights mixed up that does not realize how important the words "bird sanctuary" are to his well being at this time.  If I were not in the city limits only 4 houses down from the courthouse it would be another movie.  "Annie, Get Your Gun."  Have a great night and no doubt this will be continued.

Happy Father's Day

Today is the day set aside to honor fathers.  Just a quick note, if your father is still with you take just a few moments to let him know how much he means to you.  If you can spend a little bit of time with him.  If your father is not with you anymore then take a few moments to relive some memories and wrap your heart around the memory of him.  There are many of us who also have had men that have had a great deal of influence over us and even though they may not be your father it is ok to honor them too.  Have a great day and make some memories, there comes a time when they really do become precious.

One Year

Well children, tomorrow marks one year of my "blogging".  In the past year I have posted 184 posts and had 2553 views.  Thank you all, oops, I meant, thank all of ya'll for taking the time out of your busy schedules to stop by and read.  There are now readers from about a dozen different countries who have stopped by multiple times.  That means alot to me.  Thank you for allowing me to vent, rant, rave, cheer, and praise.  I would have waited until tomorrow but tomorrow I will be doing one of my favorite things, yep, it is time for another horse sale.  I wish all of ya'll a great weekend and thanks again.

Oh, and just a couple of other things to share.  Saw a new quote this week and called Dumbass to share with him and tell him I found a new motto for us.  This really does fit well because I have written several times about how life is all about choices.  "We have three choices:  we can give up, we can give in, or we can give it all we got"  Then that reminded me of something I saw years ago:  When we encounter an obstacle we can do one of four (4) things: go over it, go around it, go through it, or let it stop us.  Be back soon.

Lord, But I Do Love That Woman and That Man

I have spent about an hour on the phone with the woman who I think is just the most amazing woman in the world.  She is my aunt that I referred to in my post about my road trip when I went to see her.  I want  to be like her when I grow up.  When things get a little heavy I get that feeling of "I need to go up the mountain to see Ma."  Just talking with her on the phone makes everything just a little bit lighter.  We may go a couple of weeks or even a couple of months and not talk but I always know that she is but just a phone call away.  She is there with encouragement, humor, and oh so much wisdom.  When I am with her or talking on the phone I can be sure there will be much laughter and probably a few tears.  She is without question one of the wisest and most encouraging women I have ever known and my life is far more richer for having her be a part of it.  It is very similar to the feeling that I have when I talk to Dumbass.  And yes he does know that I call him that and it really is a term of endearment.   I have told him that when I can share with him good is twice as good and bad is only half as bad.  We talk more often than Ma and myself.  As a matter of fact we talk at least once a day but most of the time more.  It may only be for a couple of minutes here and 5 minutes there or sometimes longer.  Yet, a day without talking to him, no matter how briefly (although it does not happen often) seems like part of the day is missing.  There are times with these two people that I don't even have to talk to them about what is on my mind but just the sound of their voice seems to quiet the fears and doubts that I may have going on.  I truly do thank God for both of these people!  I can never tell them enough what a blessing they are to me or neither will ever know or understand what they mean to me.  What I have with them both is very precious to me.  I am reminded that God puts the people we need in our paths at the time we need them.  Ma has been there since I was born but it is really only in about the last 10 years that we have become not only relatives but very good friends.  I have known Dumbass for a little over a year and a half but it doesn't seem like that short a period of time but I can honestly say he is my best friend.  I can't imagine not being able to talk to either of them.  Oh, how I wish that everyone was as blessed as I am by these two people.  I have many other good friends and am truly blessed by them as well.  Even with all the turmoil that is my life at the moment I am in awe of being blessed by these two people.  Everyone should be so blessed!  To be continued I am sure.

Just a Few Random Thoughts

Just a few random thoughts this morning.  All of ya'll know I collect these little quotes and I just wanted to share a couple this morning with my thoughts added.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
     There is so much wisdom in this one line!  To me this says what you have been through (there's that word again) and what you will still go through really are small matters.  It is what lies within us that determines how we dealt with and will deal with those things in life that we all go through.  Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to find the strength and character needed to deal with things.  This is just my personal opinion and that and 50 cents won't even get you a cup of coffee, but how you respond to those things that happen to you really is a reflection of your character.  Which leads me to quote # 2.

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation.  Because your character is who you really are.  Your reputation is merely what others think of you."
    Does that mean you should not be concerned with your reputation?  No, that is not it at all.  To me it simply means at the end of the day when I look at myself and am content with who I am.  After all, I am the one who has to live with me.  Remember your character is a reflection of how you treat others, especially those who are unable to do anything for you.  With all that being said, when I lay down at night I want to be content with the person I am and not be overly concerned with how others see me.

Have a great day boys and girls.  To be continued I am sure.

I Guess It Will Always Be This Way

Yes, I guess it will always be this way.  Maybe not to the degree of the present but as some underlying thought.  Got your curiosity up haven't I?  I miss Bobby.  It seems when these 'life moments' are happening that I seem to miss him more.  In May we had a niece graduate from college.  When she was little, she and her daddy lived with us for a while.  As a general rule Bobby would be the first one up and she would soon follow.  One of their morning rituals evolved with her asking, "Uncle Bob, can we have Fruit Loops?"  So the two of them would enjoy Fruit Loops for breakfast.  When she graduated from high school she got a box of Fruit Loops for a gift.  And, when she graduated from college, yep, she got a box of Fruit Loops.  And when this child marries guess what?  Yep, a box of Fruit Loops. Tomorrow a nephew graduates from high school.  This particular nephew has been more like a grandson to us than a nephew.  As I am thinking about his graduation and how 3 of his 4 uncles will not be there.  Two are sick and Bobby is deceased.  I have been thinking today how proud Bobby would be of these kids.  I am standing in the Wal-Mart picking out a graduation card for said nephew and a birthday card for one of the brothers and to my amazement, I realize I am crying.  (It was probably the print getting blurry that got my attention.)  I am ok so don't anybody panic.  I am almost certain that the grief process is something you never completely finish because there are always going to be those reminders of the one that is gone.  I choose not to dwell on what is missing so much but to embrace those memories they left behind.  The big gaping hole that used to be in my spirit continues to shrink with time, but from time to time it does make its presence known.  As I said, I am ok.  And I will still say there is joy in the journey.  Remember, it is your journey and yours alone.  Others may walk it with you but no one can walk it for you.  Grief doesn't come with instructions because there is no right or wrong way and for each person and each relationship it is different.  Reminded of another quote.  "The shell must break before the bird can fly."  To be continued I am sure.

It May Very Well Become a Tradition

We have a (what I consider) a delicacy here in the South.  It is the fried green tomato.  Why they (don't ya'll wonder who 'they' are?) even made a movie about them.  I adore, love, lust for, anticipate, and etc. fried green tomatoes.  Even in my limited space I manage to set out a few tomato plants.  I watch longingly for the first green tomato that is big enough to fry.  I admit to being prejudice but I have had other folk's and restaurant's fried green tomatoes and I like mine much better.  I have a niece that I am very proud of and she just graduated from college.  A few weeks before school was out she sent me a text asking how I made my fried green tomatoes.  Awwww, ain't that just precious?  As I don't have a recipe I told her best as I could.  Turns out she was actually using that for a paper she was writing for school.  She has since told me she tried to fry some but they didn't turn out like mine.  (Almost anything is better when someone else will fix it.)  So at any rate I finally had a green tomato that I have been watching.  She asked me Tues. night at a grandson's ballgame how much longer till it was ready to fry.  I told her that it was ready, did she want to come over on Wed. evening for a "tomato frying".  Oh My Gosh!!!!  I went out and lovingly pulled that tomato off the vine and washed it good.  I do admit to going and buying another green tomato so there would be plenty.  Now of course you can't (or most people can't) make a meal off of just fried green tomatoes.  So I go to the local produce stand and last night for supper we had fresh green beans (cooked with fatback of course), boiled new potatoes, fresh corn on the cob, sliced tomatoes, onions, fried green tomatoes, and fried cornbread.  This children is ambrosia of the gods!!!!  Oh, and for dessert a mouth watering sweet as sugar cantaloupe.  Makes me nearly slobber just writing about it.  But, the joy of it was not in how good the food was or the freshness of everything.  The joy was in this special young lady looking forward to enjoying this with me.  The taste of the food (and it was good!) paled in comparison to the text I get today telling me how awesome last night's dinner was and even more so when she stopped by this evening to give me a hug and tell me how awesome I am.  I really am not awesome but to her I am and that means the world to me.  Oh and on a side note, my daughter did tell me when I felt the need to cook like that again to call her.  I love my family, even when they are driving me crazy.  (and yes I know that is a short trip)  To be continued I am sure!

I Really Do Love a Sense of Humor

If you have read very much of what I write, including my profile, you know that I appreciate a good laugh and a sense of humor about as much as anything.  I was sitting here earlier and thought, not for the first time, that God has an absolutely wonderful sense of humor.  Let me share briefly when this first became evident to me.  In the South (and it may be else where as well but this is what I am familiar with) as soon as school is out all the churches have Vacation Bible School spread out over several weeks time.  VBS usually runs all week and you spend around 3 hours a night doing Bible stories, crafts, refreshments, and so on and so forth.  If a Momma plays her cards right she can have the kids out of the house for a good 3 weeks in the evening by sending them around to all the Bible Schools.  One sister and I attended the same church for years and she always did a 5th grade class and I always took whatever class no one wanted.  Well this particular year I had a grandson and we had a niece who were both old enough to be in the nursery class (3 and under).  This class never had more than 3 or 4 children in it so we signed up for that class the minute the paper hit the table.  Our plan was not to have to put too much work and planning into it and we would get to play with the babies.  Sounds like a really good plan.  We enrolled 14!!!! children that year and never had less than 12 on any given night.  Tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor. 

Yet what prompted me to have this thought today is that I feel a little like Weezer, the crotchety old lady with the acid tongue from the movie Steel Magnolias.  I could probably hurt somebody's feelings today without a whole lot of effort.  There is just one small problem.  I can't talk.  I have been fighting a cold for, well pretty much a couple of weeks.  On Sunday it started winning.  (My friend Elaine said Mighty Mouse finally ran out of steam and Dumbass called me hard headed, imagine that)  I coughed so much Sunday and Monday that the voice was going yesterday.  Well today, even though I feel much better, a squeak is about all I can manage and that comes out a whisper.  God really does have a sense of humor, or maybe He is protecting me from myself.  I kinda like seeing the humor in it myself.

Rebuttal

A reader posted the following comment:  "That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not."  James K. Feibleman

While this is a good quote, I cannot entirely agree with it.  My faith leads me to believe that everything that we go through in life (and ya'll know how I feel about that word 'through'), if we will allow it to, is bringing us to a point where God wants us to be.  I have no doubt at all that God wants only the best for each of us and has the best in store for us.  I may not understand it now or even in this life but as a believer I know that as good as life is here that the best is yet to come.  And on the reverse side, as bad as life is here sometimes I know that there will be better days and yes the best is yet to come.  Every thing, good, bad, difficult, and trying that we deal with in life, if we choose to learn from it, is constantly shaping us into the person we are becoming.  I am reminded of a quote by Rick Warren that I saw on FB this morning, "God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls, and coal into diamonds.  Using time and pressure He's working on you too."  Is it always easy?  No, not by any means.  Are there days that I just want to throw my hands up and run away?  Yes.  Yet, I have said many, many times that I have learned that God's grace is more than sufficient.  I have been told that I am a strong person and my answer is always, "No, I am not.  I just don't tote it all alone."  As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have learned to thank God for the things He has brought me through.  Because I have learned to depend on Him more and with the things He has carried me through I feel better able to help others in difficult situations.  So with all that being said, I believe with my whole heart that no matter how good or bad things may be today that the best is yet to come.

WOW

It has been a while since I have really had the opportunity to post.  April and May have been kinda crazy for me.  (I already told you that May was going to be a marathon)  Toward the end of March my baby brother was diagnosed with stomach cancer.  I don't think I have mentioned it but stomach cancer is the reason that I am a widow.  I haven't said anything about it because I have to process within myself before I am really able to share about it.  I had said that the evening he called me to give me the positive diagnosis the only reason I didn't go throw up is because my knees were too weak to take me to the bathroom and I did not have the strength to clean up a mess.  He is progressing very well in treatment and his cancer is being treated as curable.  He should find out late next week or the early part of the next when he will have his surgery.  Two weeks ago my other brother, (the one next to me in age and who lives in Oklahoma) was diagnosed with multiple myleoma, which is cancer of the plasma in the blood.  This cancer is considered treatable but not curable.  So late on Thurs. afternoon one sister and I climb in my truck (which I reeeaaallly do love) and drive about 20 hours to the hospital that he was admitted to in Oklahoma City.  We stayed until Sun. around lunch time and then headed home to arrive around 9:30 on Monday morning.  Not really a weekend trip but hea, it is what it is and you do what you have to do.  He did call this morning to say that he was being discharged from the hospital today.  Today made 15 days of hospitalization for him.  As I am the oldest of this brood of 5 and our father is deceased and Mama has Alzheimer's and doesn't know anything, I am the "other mother" of this group.  Yep things have been kinda crazy around here but I still say there is joy in the journey.   The journey in and of it's self is not always joyful, but there is joy in the journey.  I will leave you with this for today.  "  Our days are much happier when we give a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind."  Have a great day and it is good to be back.

Some People Just Don't Have a Clue

Some people just have absolutely no clue how much restraint that I have at sometimes!  I was at my mechanic's shop this morning getting my truck serviced.  I took my breakfast and a book with me to occupy myself while he was changing my oil.  I was sitting there minding my own business when another lady and her 4 year old granddaughter came in.  She asked if it was ok for her to sit on the couch with me and I replied, 'sure'.  She sat there and talked to her granddaughter about what all they had to do.  Then she began to tell me that she had to do everything herself, that her husband was of no use to her, and she didn't even know why she needed him.  At this point, I am barely able to control myself!  I did not know this woman from Adam's house cat, still don't know her, and will probably never see her again and don't know that I would recognize her if I did because at this point my vision had begun to blur!  She just does not know what she managed to avoid this morning because the mechanic came and answered her question and she left.  Had I had to listen to her bash her husband for even another minute I probably would have let loose with both barrels!!!!!  Sometimes I amaze myself at the restraint that I am able to use.  And sometimes people get lucky and don't even know it.  To be continued I am sure.

I Could Probably Blame This on Menopause

Yeah, I probably could blame this feeling on menopause but I am not going to because it gets blamed for enough.  I am going to credit, not blame, but credit this to maturity because good God Almighty if I ain't there now it just ain't gonna happen.  What may you ask am I talking about?  Let me issue a disclaimer here that I mentioned to my friend Elaine a couple of weeks ago that I felt a 'rant' coming on.  Well, it has just kinda built up to the point that I have to let it go!  I find that as I get older I just do not have the patience for grown folk that act like they are 10 years old!!!  I want to tell them to grow the hell up!  It just gripes the tar out of me to see grown people pout and act like they have been treated so unjustly because their every whim is not met.  Take some flippin' responsibility yourself and don't wait for everything to come to you like you are a damn queen or king on a throne waiting for everyone else to be at your beck and call.  I mean, REALLY?  I am truly amazed at how some people have such a high opinion of themselves.  And before anybody takes this personally let me just interject here that I am not talking about 1 or 2 people here but it seems to be the majority of the people I have interacted with lately.  I can't tell you how many people that I have had a conversation with in the past month or so who had to tell me how somebody hurt their feelings!  Well whoopee!  Do you think that you are going to go through life without being hurt?  I promise you everybody is not out to get you because the reality of it is most of us just ain't that important!  I want to say, 'grow up and develop a thicker skin'.  Followed real close with, "when did everything get to be about you?"  I am reminded of a quote that seems very appropriate here.  "If people spent more time talking to each other than about each other, how much better the world would be."  Thank you for letting me bend your ear.  I feel better.  I try to be a good listener and am always confidential with what people tell me but sometimes, well I just run out of patience.  I see far too many people who would be justified in feeling sorry for themselves and don't to have patience with those folks who would rather dwell on how someone hurt their feelings than count their blessings.  I personally would rather count my blessings and they are far too many to list.  To be continued I am sure.

Happy Mother's Day

Tomorrow is the day that we set aside to honor mothers.  Mother's Day, for reasons that I won't go into, is not a day that I particularly enjoy.  Mother's Day for about the past 17 years has been difficult for me.  (remember I have a mother with Alzheimer's, that we have been dealing with on some level for at least 15 years)  Last year early on Mother's Day morning Dumbass called to wish me happy mother's day.  Bless that boy's heart, sometimes he really does catch me at my worst.  Instead of thanking him and telling him that I appreciated it, I just kinda morphed into a real bitch and told him if he knew how I felt about mother's day he could have saved himself the time and phone call.  Of course then I had to apologize and tell him thank you for thinking of me.  I am making a concentrated effort this year that any time someone wishes me happy mother's day to politely smile and say thank you.  He did tell me that I should not feel that way because I have a wonderful daughter to spend mother's day with.  Which leads me into the meat of today's post.  (All of ya'll should know by now there is no short version  when I start telling something.)

I am thankful that I have a relationship with my daughter that does not require a special day to celebrate.  I commented to someone that the relationship that we have is close enough, comfortable enough, and special enough that as far as my relationship with her, Mother's day is just another day.  As I am going to be out of town for much of mother's day we were going out to eat dinner last night to do our "mother's day thing".  I called her yesterday morning and asked if she and the boys just wanted to come to the house and hang out.  We had an assortment of finger foods for supper, watched Duck Dynasty and Big Bang Theory on DVR and just enjoyed being together.  I truly am thankful to have such a special relationship with her that does not require a day to be set aside to commemorate it.  As I write this I know that is not the case for everyone and my heart goes out to you because I can empathize.  So with all that being said, Happy Mother's Day. 

I Didn't Break Anything

I am referring to ball practice yesterday afternoon.  To be perfectly honest, I didn't even break a sweat.  It was fun and I got to meet several new folks.  But ima thinking that I probably take ball a whole lot more serious than these other women do.  But it is all good and it will be fun.  It felt good to be out swinging a bat and chasing after ground balls.  I couldn't seem to help myself and guess it has become instinctive after all this time with my ball team but after a very short while I heard myself giving directions.  Such as, 'shortstop go out for the cut off' and 'run it in and call time'.  I really was trying to hold back since I am a guest here and not the coach.  But alas some habits die hard.  These folk just don't have any idea of how much restraint I was showing.  Like I said it was fun, I didn't break anything, got out in the sunshine for a bit, and enjoyed supper with a sister and niece afterwards.  Yesterday was a 'dart throwing' kind of day.  As in, I am going to put a map on the wall that has a 200 mile radius of here, throw a dart and where it sticks is where I am going when I run away from home.  Mentioned doing this one time to Dumbass and he asked me what if it hit where I am at now.  Told him in that case I would try 2 out of 3.  It is Friday, the weekend is upon us and the weather looks great for spending time outside.  Everyone enjoy and in the words of the Terminator, "I'll be back".

My Plate is Not Full

Nope, my plate is not full cos I traded it for a platter.  I had just an awesome weekend with a horse sale on Sat. and Mon.  Enjoyed Sat. tremendously!  Did a first for me on Mon. at the sale.  I bought a pony.  Didn't intend to buy a pony but yep I bought a pony.  Auctioneer was trying to get someone to bid on him (should have been a hint for me) with no luck.  I was clerking the horses and I just whispered to him, "50 and let's go".  Well shut my mouth and call me surprised not another soul bid on this pony.  Auctioneer told seller, "I got you $50.00."  Seller said, "sell him".  Auctioneer looked at me and whispered, "now what you gonna do with him?"  My answer, "send him home with somebody."  Immediately sent Dumbass a text to ask him to take my pony home with him.  I don't know about ya'll but I just think this is funny!  He asked me what I wanted him to do with my pony and my answer was sell the little @*# of a !%&#@.  Just get my money back and if you sell him for more than that we will split.  Now I am just sorry for anybody who can't see the humor in this.  For those of you who know me personally and for those of you read regularly I think you would agree that I am a fairly busy person.  Tomorrow night I start another activity.  Found a women's softball team to play on!  I have not played on a women's team in, oh, it has been about 30 years.  Should be fun and I need the exercise.  Remember, 'she loved life and it loved her back".  To be continued I am sure.

It Is a Fact of Life

All of ya'll gonna think I have done lost my mind, but I promise I haven't!!!!   There are so many people that refuse to face the fact that one day we are all going  to die.  It really is just a fact of life.  Being in the insurance business I have met quite a number of people who would not discuss life insurance because it meant they were going to die or people who did not want to discuss health insurance because they might get sick.  Heeellllloooooo!  If you live long enough you are going to get sick and eventually all of us will die.  It just is what it is.    It is called LIFE!  With all that being said I ran across a quote today that I hope would make the perfect epitaph for my grave marker.  Now I know to some of you that sounds kinda morbid  but it really isn't.  I already have my plot (beside of Bobby) and the marker is in place.  When he was first diagnosed he would tell anyone that would listen, "either way I win".  His belief, and it gave great comfort to those who loved him was that regardless of the outcome he was a winner.  The children bought his or I should say our grave marker and underneath his is the quote, "I am in a win-win situation".  As I mentioned I found mine today, even though I have pretty much decided to be cremated (and what I want done with the ashes is another story), the following is the inscription I want on my marker.  "She loved life and it loved her back."  Is that not just awesome.  I know some of you may think it is kinda gross to even contemplate these things but hey, like I said, it is a fact of life.  Might as well accept the reality of it and deal with it.  It really does make it easier on those left behind.  To be continued I am sure.  I might even share with you what I want done with my ashes.  It is really funny.  But then that should not surprise any of you who read on a regular basis. 

I Was Right

I didn't stay gone long enough.  Either that or I need to go again.  Said my peace and counted to 3.  To be continued I am sure.

Merely an Observation, So Don't Anybody Get Too Excited

I'm a thinkin', and I could be wrong (it has been known to happen), that maybe, just maybe, I didn't stay gone long enough.   Or maybe I just enjoyed staying gone too much.  Often say that I am not sure where I am going when I run away from home.  I have a fair idea.  Ah, but as I have said, the bad news is nothing lasts forever and the good news is that nothing lasts forever.  :)!  To be continued, I'm sure.  LMAO!

I Had Almost Forgotten and Didn't Even Realize It!

A number of years ago we had, for several years, a pastor who truly was a pastor and not just a preacher.  He was a wise man and I have heard him say on a number of occasions that sometimes "you have to go apart to keep from coming apart".  I had been having that 'anywhere but here' feeling and feeling the need to go apart for the past couple of weeks.  Thank God for wonderful, wonderful friends who say come and see us anytime and our house is your house.  It truly is a blessing to have friends that tell you to make yourself at home and you know that they really mean it.  So on Sunday I headed south just as soon as I could get home from church, change clothes, and throw my bag in the truck.  This is about a 3 hour drive for me and it is a drive that I have enjoyed every time that I have made it.  Part 4 lane, part country, no big towns.  Just a really enjoyable drive for me.  Arrived Sun afternoon and did NOTHING!  Which was absolutely PERFECT!  Stayed with these friends until about 3:30 Monday afternoon and probably wore the cover off of the rocking chair cushion.  But oh my God it was exactly what I needed!  Realized that on Monday morning I felt rested.  Left from there and went to see another friend and ended up staying an unexpected night. (Which is why I always carry one more change of clothes than the number of days I plan to stay)  We were just hanging out with no particular plan in mind.  Headed home this morning in the sunshine and just had a great trip up the road.  It is amazing that I live by myself but that time I spend in the truck with the music blasting is when I get some of my best thinking and problem solving done.  I just want to thank my friends for such a great time, ya'll know who you are and that you were just what I needed to fill my reserve for the marathon that is May.   Oh, and what I had almost forgotten and didn't even realize was how it felt to feel rested.  Got a feeling the seat of my britches should be pretty thin between all the rocking and the flying by them.  Love ya'll!!!! 

It Really is a Journey

All of life is a journey.  You have heard me say before, 'It is your journey and yours alone.  Others may walk it with you but no one can walk it for you."  The particular segment of the journey that I am referring to today is my journey through widowhood.  In a previous post I mentioned that it is a marathon and not a sprint.  As each person travels that road it is as individual as they are.  Shortly after Bobby died I had a wise lady who had been a widow for a number of years tell me that you never really get over it you just learn to live with it.  I am learning more and more as time goes by that she was so right!  Every person handles the grief process differently and there is no right or wrong way to do it.  There is no time frame for all the elements of healing to fit neatly in.  I am not going to be in the same place at the same time that you are.  I have also learned that the grief process is different for the different relationship.  I have said that I have buried a child, a parent, and a husband.  Not that any hurts any more or less than the other but they are all different.  In the death of a spouse we have lost a person that we chose to be with.  It was with a person that we learned to love not a love that you are born with like that of a parent or child.  I have talked with people who are divorced and they have commented that they understood the losing a spouse.  I beg to differ!!!  In a divorce one or both of you made a choice to end that relationship and as long as there is breath in either body there is always the possibility of reconciliation.  In the death of a spouse neither of you had a choice and there is absolutely no opportunity of reconciliation.  I find myself even after 2 1/2 years often feeling like a married woman.  I still feel like a wife, I just don't have a husband.  My head tells me differently yet my heart has not caught up with my head.  Yes, this is a journey and on this journey I count as blessings the wonderful friends and family who are walking it with me.  Don't be alarmed, I am ok.  As a matter of fact, I think I am doing pretty damned good.  Just some of those random thoughts that wander through from time to time.  Mentioned to Dumbass on a number of occasions that it would scare you to death the things that wander through my mind.  I am good, life all in all is good, and I look forward to each day.  Just pausing to reflect on the journey.

Misc. Observations and Other BS

I observed one of the funniest things I have ever heard over the weekend.  To be perfectly honest had I not heard it with my own ears I am not sure that I would believe it.  Was standing in line at a McDonald's on the way to the horse sale on Sat. waiting for my food when a lady in line asked the cashier, "do ya'll have cheeseburgers?"  I kid you not she really did and she was as serious as a heart attack!  Bless that little cashier's heart she had to ask her to repeat it.  So I actually got to hear it twice!  Bless that girl's heart again after looking a little shocked she very politely said, 'yes ma'am we do' and the lady replied, 'then that is what I want, a cheeseburger'.    Just goes along with my observation that real life is much funnier than anything you can make up.

Saw an interesting quote today and believe it or not it was not on Facebook.  "The standards you live by and work by will become the reputation that you are known by."  Pretty cool, huh?

My ball team had their first game yesterday and we won!  I'm not surprised.  With Thing 1 and Thing 2 both playing ball and my team starting to play it really does feel good to be back on a ball field.  It feels almost and note I said almost as good as being at a horse sale.  You would think that with 5 sale days in 8 days that I would have had my fill for a few days.  Looking forward to the next one.  I mentioned to Dumbass that I should have had my fill and his reply was that if I could have found one to go to on Sunday I would have went.  I have to disagree, only because that was the day of 15 hours of sleep.  Now Monday would have been a different story.  And since I have to wait a few days for another sale (week from Sat to be exact) I will go to ballgames.  Thing 1 and Thing 2 play Thurs. night and my boys play a double header on Sat. 

As stated before, a moving target is hard to hit.  To be continued.

I Knew It Was Coming

What you may ask did I see coming?  What I refer to as a 'crash day'.  I go pretty much like that little pink battery bunny much of the time.  I have said that I can go and go and go but there will eventually be a crash day.  Yesterday was my crash day.  After working approximately 85 hours in 9 days, not to mention other things like laundry, ball games, and a date or 2 I went to bed Sunday morning knowing that as soon as possible on Sunday afternoon I was going to sleep.  It had reached the point that I no longer had a choice.  OMG was it great.  Came home from church, put a t-shirt and shorts on and did not even turn the radio on!  Mopped my nasty floors (which was bothering me more than needing sleep) I slept for a couple of hours until my bladder woke me up.  Then slept for another hour or so and woke up a little hungry.  Grabbed a snack and went back to sleep and slept for 12 hours straight!  I know this is probably not the healthiest thing to do but sometimes things just work out that way.  I actually have (for me) a fairly calm week and should be able to get some 'normal' rest.  Then the marathon that is May will begin.  I am not complaining just stating that is how it goes sometimes.  Looking forward to our 'blackberry winter' being over and spring being here to stay.  After a cloudy dreary weekend, I am needing SUNSHINE.  It don't even have to get real warm just craving the sun.  Ya'll have a great day and I'll be back!