For The Record

I have had several people comment to me this week about my being gone alot.  This often happens from time to time (the commenting).  Yes, I am aware that I am gone alot.  I work 3 jobs one of which requires 3 days a month in 2 different states, another which requires that I go see clients occassionally.  I also find other things to do.  With that being said, I get tired of hearing it.  Sometimes I think it is jealousy and other times it is people being just plain damn nosy!  So let me just say here that until you are making my truck payment, putting gas in my truck, paying for the maintence, buying tires, or just paying my bills and keeping my house clean, my laundry done, and my grass cut it is none of your damn business how much or where I go.  And while I am on a rant here let me also say that if I want your advice I will ask for it.  If I want you opinion about what I am doing I will also ask for it.  If you are trying to pick me about other people let me remind you that it is not my story to tell so I won't be telling it.  If you are just trying to create middle school drama I don't have the time or energy for it. So if you have something to say kindly raise your hand and then place it over your mouth. 

I Have Thrown My Dart

Yes, indeedy, I have thrown my dart.  Actually did it about 3-4 weeks ago.  I have said that I sometimes want to put a map on the wall, throw a dart, and then that is where I am going to.  Well, I threw my dart and it was very interesting where it landed.  And, as I started researching the area it is very interesting.  It is in an area where jobs that I am qualified for are actually not that scarce.  When I was talking to Dumbass about it he asked me if I really thought I could leave where I am.  When I told him yes, I really did, he responded with "but that is home".  My response to that was, "home is where you make it".  This is something that I have considered for a little over a year.  Just picking up, going somewhere, and beginning again.  I have talked with my daughter, my baby brother, and Dumbass about this.  My reasoning is fairly simple.  I loved being married to Bobby and we had a good strong marriage.  I have told all three of these people that please don't misunderstand what I am getting ready to say but the reality is as long as I stay where I am now, I will always be 'Bobby's wife'.  Not that I mean that was a bad thing and God only knows I wish I still were.  But, he is not here and he ain't coming back.  In many ways I still am a wife, I just don't have a husband.  Remember, how I have said grief is a journey that is different for everybody?  And that there is no right or wrong way to deal with it?  I am feeling more and more for me to truly move on I need to do it somewhere where I can have my own identity.  Relating very much to Raschal Flatts song, "I'm Movin' On".
To be continued I promise!

Another 'Steel Magnolia' Moment

Ok, a little background here because you know I can't tell a short story.  I love the movie "Steel Magnolias".  It really does show the strength of women and Southern women in particular.  Remember a couple of weeks ago that I identified myself with Weezer?  Well now I feel a little like Drum.  Three or four houses down from me is a family who has a dog who stays in an outside pen.  That dog barks a lot.  I never notice that dog!  I realize that he is barking but it is just kinda background noise and has never bothered me.  On the other hand, my sister-in-law and brother have remarked several times when they have slept in my bedroom that the dog kept them awake.  Has never bothered me!  I live on the main road through town and there is a tremendous amount of traffic and I never really notice except for the occasionally siren.  And typically when I go to sleep nothing bothers me.  I talk to people sometime who comment on how bad a storm was at night and I am like, "we had a storm?"  When I am not suffering from menopausal insomnia I sleep really, really sound.  Now with all that being said let me tell you what has been waking me up and keeping me awake.  A flippin' bird!!!!!  After day 2 of prednisone induced insomnia I had just gone to sleep and outside my bedroom window a bird starts to sing!  Not the soothing chirp, chirp, tweet, tweet songbird, oh no!  This bird makes a damn different racket.  It is not an owl or a whip-or-will.  Its sound is not quite a squawk.  I am not sure what the hell it is other than noise!  Finally go back to sleep only to repeat the same thing the next night.   Wasn't at home the next night but then the next when I get home from a sale and go to bed at 2:00 a.m. and am bone weary guess what is singing it's nightly song?  Oh yes!  Groaned, cussed and pulled the cover over my head and finally went to sleep.  Flippin' bird is driving me insane!  I realize that is a fairly short trip but really?  A bird?  I am having visions of going into the yard in my night clothes shooting into the trees!    Got home from work this afternoon and what do I hear?  Yep, my bird.  I am gazing around in the yard looking into the trees and finally saw it.  It is a cardinal.  It was almost as if that stinkin' bird was sitting in that tree watching me and mocking me!!!!  I now have visions of a firecracker laced arrow being shot into the trees!  (You have to know the movie)  Sent a text to a friend to tell him I figured out what kind of bird it is with a message saying that I handle things about as well as anybody I know but this bird is just really messing with me!  Of all the stupid things to loose sleep over I have a beautiful red cardinal who has their days and nights mixed up that does not realize how important the words "bird sanctuary" are to his well being at this time.  If I were not in the city limits only 4 houses down from the courthouse it would be another movie.  "Annie, Get Your Gun."  Have a great night and no doubt this will be continued.

Happy Father's Day

Today is the day set aside to honor fathers.  Just a quick note, if your father is still with you take just a few moments to let him know how much he means to you.  If you can spend a little bit of time with him.  If your father is not with you anymore then take a few moments to relive some memories and wrap your heart around the memory of him.  There are many of us who also have had men that have had a great deal of influence over us and even though they may not be your father it is ok to honor them too.  Have a great day and make some memories, there comes a time when they really do become precious.

One Year

Well children, tomorrow marks one year of my "blogging".  In the past year I have posted 184 posts and had 2553 views.  Thank you all, oops, I meant, thank all of ya'll for taking the time out of your busy schedules to stop by and read.  There are now readers from about a dozen different countries who have stopped by multiple times.  That means alot to me.  Thank you for allowing me to vent, rant, rave, cheer, and praise.  I would have waited until tomorrow but tomorrow I will be doing one of my favorite things, yep, it is time for another horse sale.  I wish all of ya'll a great weekend and thanks again.

Oh, and just a couple of other things to share.  Saw a new quote this week and called Dumbass to share with him and tell him I found a new motto for us.  This really does fit well because I have written several times about how life is all about choices.  "We have three choices:  we can give up, we can give in, or we can give it all we got"  Then that reminded me of something I saw years ago:  When we encounter an obstacle we can do one of four (4) things: go over it, go around it, go through it, or let it stop us.  Be back soon.

Lord, But I Do Love That Woman and That Man

I have spent about an hour on the phone with the woman who I think is just the most amazing woman in the world.  She is my aunt that I referred to in my post about my road trip when I went to see her.  I want  to be like her when I grow up.  When things get a little heavy I get that feeling of "I need to go up the mountain to see Ma."  Just talking with her on the phone makes everything just a little bit lighter.  We may go a couple of weeks or even a couple of months and not talk but I always know that she is but just a phone call away.  She is there with encouragement, humor, and oh so much wisdom.  When I am with her or talking on the phone I can be sure there will be much laughter and probably a few tears.  She is without question one of the wisest and most encouraging women I have ever known and my life is far more richer for having her be a part of it.  It is very similar to the feeling that I have when I talk to Dumbass.  And yes he does know that I call him that and it really is a term of endearment.   I have told him that when I can share with him good is twice as good and bad is only half as bad.  We talk more often than Ma and myself.  As a matter of fact we talk at least once a day but most of the time more.  It may only be for a couple of minutes here and 5 minutes there or sometimes longer.  Yet, a day without talking to him, no matter how briefly (although it does not happen often) seems like part of the day is missing.  There are times with these two people that I don't even have to talk to them about what is on my mind but just the sound of their voice seems to quiet the fears and doubts that I may have going on.  I truly do thank God for both of these people!  I can never tell them enough what a blessing they are to me or neither will ever know or understand what they mean to me.  What I have with them both is very precious to me.  I am reminded that God puts the people we need in our paths at the time we need them.  Ma has been there since I was born but it is really only in about the last 10 years that we have become not only relatives but very good friends.  I have known Dumbass for a little over a year and a half but it doesn't seem like that short a period of time but I can honestly say he is my best friend.  I can't imagine not being able to talk to either of them.  Oh, how I wish that everyone was as blessed as I am by these two people.  I have many other good friends and am truly blessed by them as well.  Even with all the turmoil that is my life at the moment I am in awe of being blessed by these two people.  Everyone should be so blessed!  To be continued I am sure.

Just a Few Random Thoughts

Just a few random thoughts this morning.  All of ya'll know I collect these little quotes and I just wanted to share a couple this morning with my thoughts added.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
     There is so much wisdom in this one line!  To me this says what you have been through (there's that word again) and what you will still go through really are small matters.  It is what lies within us that determines how we dealt with and will deal with those things in life that we all go through.  Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to find the strength and character needed to deal with things.  This is just my personal opinion and that and 50 cents won't even get you a cup of coffee, but how you respond to those things that happen to you really is a reflection of your character.  Which leads me to quote # 2.

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation.  Because your character is who you really are.  Your reputation is merely what others think of you."
    Does that mean you should not be concerned with your reputation?  No, that is not it at all.  To me it simply means at the end of the day when I look at myself and am content with who I am.  After all, I am the one who has to live with me.  Remember your character is a reflection of how you treat others, especially those who are unable to do anything for you.  With all that being said, when I lay down at night I want to be content with the person I am and not be overly concerned with how others see me.

Have a great day boys and girls.  To be continued I am sure.

I Guess It Will Always Be This Way

Yes, I guess it will always be this way.  Maybe not to the degree of the present but as some underlying thought.  Got your curiosity up haven't I?  I miss Bobby.  It seems when these 'life moments' are happening that I seem to miss him more.  In May we had a niece graduate from college.  When she was little, she and her daddy lived with us for a while.  As a general rule Bobby would be the first one up and she would soon follow.  One of their morning rituals evolved with her asking, "Uncle Bob, can we have Fruit Loops?"  So the two of them would enjoy Fruit Loops for breakfast.  When she graduated from high school she got a box of Fruit Loops for a gift.  And, when she graduated from college, yep, she got a box of Fruit Loops.  And when this child marries guess what?  Yep, a box of Fruit Loops. Tomorrow a nephew graduates from high school.  This particular nephew has been more like a grandson to us than a nephew.  As I am thinking about his graduation and how 3 of his 4 uncles will not be there.  Two are sick and Bobby is deceased.  I have been thinking today how proud Bobby would be of these kids.  I am standing in the Wal-Mart picking out a graduation card for said nephew and a birthday card for one of the brothers and to my amazement, I realize I am crying.  (It was probably the print getting blurry that got my attention.)  I am ok so don't anybody panic.  I am almost certain that the grief process is something you never completely finish because there are always going to be those reminders of the one that is gone.  I choose not to dwell on what is missing so much but to embrace those memories they left behind.  The big gaping hole that used to be in my spirit continues to shrink with time, but from time to time it does make its presence known.  As I said, I am ok.  And I will still say there is joy in the journey.  Remember, it is your journey and yours alone.  Others may walk it with you but no one can walk it for you.  Grief doesn't come with instructions because there is no right or wrong way and for each person and each relationship it is different.  Reminded of another quote.  "The shell must break before the bird can fly."  To be continued I am sure.

It May Very Well Become a Tradition

We have a (what I consider) a delicacy here in the South.  It is the fried green tomato.  Why they (don't ya'll wonder who 'they' are?) even made a movie about them.  I adore, love, lust for, anticipate, and etc. fried green tomatoes.  Even in my limited space I manage to set out a few tomato plants.  I watch longingly for the first green tomato that is big enough to fry.  I admit to being prejudice but I have had other folk's and restaurant's fried green tomatoes and I like mine much better.  I have a niece that I am very proud of and she just graduated from college.  A few weeks before school was out she sent me a text asking how I made my fried green tomatoes.  Awwww, ain't that just precious?  As I don't have a recipe I told her best as I could.  Turns out she was actually using that for a paper she was writing for school.  She has since told me she tried to fry some but they didn't turn out like mine.  (Almost anything is better when someone else will fix it.)  So at any rate I finally had a green tomato that I have been watching.  She asked me Tues. night at a grandson's ballgame how much longer till it was ready to fry.  I told her that it was ready, did she want to come over on Wed. evening for a "tomato frying".  Oh My Gosh!!!!  I went out and lovingly pulled that tomato off the vine and washed it good.  I do admit to going and buying another green tomato so there would be plenty.  Now of course you can't (or most people can't) make a meal off of just fried green tomatoes.  So I go to the local produce stand and last night for supper we had fresh green beans (cooked with fatback of course), boiled new potatoes, fresh corn on the cob, sliced tomatoes, onions, fried green tomatoes, and fried cornbread.  This children is ambrosia of the gods!!!!  Oh, and for dessert a mouth watering sweet as sugar cantaloupe.  Makes me nearly slobber just writing about it.  But, the joy of it was not in how good the food was or the freshness of everything.  The joy was in this special young lady looking forward to enjoying this with me.  The taste of the food (and it was good!) paled in comparison to the text I get today telling me how awesome last night's dinner was and even more so when she stopped by this evening to give me a hug and tell me how awesome I am.  I really am not awesome but to her I am and that means the world to me.  Oh and on a side note, my daughter did tell me when I felt the need to cook like that again to call her.  I love my family, even when they are driving me crazy.  (and yes I know that is a short trip)  To be continued I am sure!

I Really Do Love a Sense of Humor

If you have read very much of what I write, including my profile, you know that I appreciate a good laugh and a sense of humor about as much as anything.  I was sitting here earlier and thought, not for the first time, that God has an absolutely wonderful sense of humor.  Let me share briefly when this first became evident to me.  In the South (and it may be else where as well but this is what I am familiar with) as soon as school is out all the churches have Vacation Bible School spread out over several weeks time.  VBS usually runs all week and you spend around 3 hours a night doing Bible stories, crafts, refreshments, and so on and so forth.  If a Momma plays her cards right she can have the kids out of the house for a good 3 weeks in the evening by sending them around to all the Bible Schools.  One sister and I attended the same church for years and she always did a 5th grade class and I always took whatever class no one wanted.  Well this particular year I had a grandson and we had a niece who were both old enough to be in the nursery class (3 and under).  This class never had more than 3 or 4 children in it so we signed up for that class the minute the paper hit the table.  Our plan was not to have to put too much work and planning into it and we would get to play with the babies.  Sounds like a really good plan.  We enrolled 14!!!! children that year and never had less than 12 on any given night.  Tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor. 

Yet what prompted me to have this thought today is that I feel a little like Weezer, the crotchety old lady with the acid tongue from the movie Steel Magnolias.  I could probably hurt somebody's feelings today without a whole lot of effort.  There is just one small problem.  I can't talk.  I have been fighting a cold for, well pretty much a couple of weeks.  On Sunday it started winning.  (My friend Elaine said Mighty Mouse finally ran out of steam and Dumbass called me hard headed, imagine that)  I coughed so much Sunday and Monday that the voice was going yesterday.  Well today, even though I feel much better, a squeak is about all I can manage and that comes out a whisper.  God really does have a sense of humor, or maybe He is protecting me from myself.  I kinda like seeing the humor in it myself.

Rebuttal

A reader posted the following comment:  "That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not."  James K. Feibleman

While this is a good quote, I cannot entirely agree with it.  My faith leads me to believe that everything that we go through in life (and ya'll know how I feel about that word 'through'), if we will allow it to, is bringing us to a point where God wants us to be.  I have no doubt at all that God wants only the best for each of us and has the best in store for us.  I may not understand it now or even in this life but as a believer I know that as good as life is here that the best is yet to come.  And on the reverse side, as bad as life is here sometimes I know that there will be better days and yes the best is yet to come.  Every thing, good, bad, difficult, and trying that we deal with in life, if we choose to learn from it, is constantly shaping us into the person we are becoming.  I am reminded of a quote by Rick Warren that I saw on FB this morning, "God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls, and coal into diamonds.  Using time and pressure He's working on you too."  Is it always easy?  No, not by any means.  Are there days that I just want to throw my hands up and run away?  Yes.  Yet, I have said many, many times that I have learned that God's grace is more than sufficient.  I have been told that I am a strong person and my answer is always, "No, I am not.  I just don't tote it all alone."  As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have learned to thank God for the things He has brought me through.  Because I have learned to depend on Him more and with the things He has carried me through I feel better able to help others in difficult situations.  So with all that being said, I believe with my whole heart that no matter how good or bad things may be today that the best is yet to come.