It has been 3 years ago today that I became a widow. Time does help and I guess in some ways it does get easier, I guess. I realize that I am probably more 'in tune' with it than I might have otherwise been had I not lost my brother this week to the very same cancer that made me a widow. Oddly enough I had said that I knew I was being selfish but I hoped that Gerald did not die on the same day as Bobby. And he didn't, kinda. The date was different but about 2/3 of the way into my trip I realized that they both died the Tues. morning after Labor Day. So even though the date was different in an odd sort of way it was the same. In talking with my sister-in-law on Wed. I told her how scary it was for me to be 50 years old and on my own for the very first time in my entire life. I shared with her how I just wanted to curl up and die myself and while it would have been very easy to don my 'widow's weeds' and just go to work and then go home I made my mind up that if I did then the cancer had defeated us both and I would be damned if I let it take me with it too.
In many ways these 6 months since my brother was diagnosed for me have been like reliving it all again with Bobby. My brother was a wonderful man and made a great impact on a tremendous amount of people. As with Bobby and now with Gerald I hope that when my time is over that I will be as well remembered as they have been.
In the mean time I will say again if what I went through with Bobby was to prepare me to help my family through all this with Gerald then I am honored to be able to do so. Even though my heart is broken right now and I fell like an injured dog that just wants to go off by itself and lick its wounds I still say there is joy in the journey.
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