As I posted in my August 5th post, that everyday when I woke I wondered if that would be the day the call came about Mama. Well, the call came on August. 17th. I was home in SC when the nursing home called to say Mama wasn't doing well and we might want to come on. This was at 3:02 p.m. I called one sister and got her voicemail then called the other sister and told her about the call. While I was on the phone with the nursing home the sister that I had left the voicemail with called back. During all of this my husband was asking what he needed to do. Bless his heart all I could do was throw clothes at him for him to put in my bag. I asked him to stay until I could figure out what was going on. I did however pick out my funeral clothes and shoes for him to bring later. At 3:28 I was pulling out of the driveway heading north. I arrived at the nursing home at 6:30 and already knew Mama was unresponsive. I had been talking with the sisters on my way up the road. We stayed with Mama until 11 that night and went home to sleep knowing that the way she was could go on for maybe a couple of days. At 3:45 the nursing home called to tell me that Mama had expired. My first thought was 'no she didn't, potato chips, bread, and your license expire, Mama has died'.
We had already discussed Mama's arrangements a long ago. Remember we have been dealing with this journey of Alzheimer's for about 17 years and the reality is Mama has been in the advanced stages for at least 3 years. It has been at least that long since she knew who any of us were. The last clear conversation I had with her was her asking me who I was and then telling me, 'no you're not' when I told her who I was. That was in 2010. The last time I even remember her saying my name was in late 2005 or early 2006. We buried Mama's ashes on the 21st of Aug. which means that in just a little less than one year we have buried 2 brothers and a mother. I mentioned to my sisters that our immediate family had been reduced by half in a year. As Audrey said it used to seem like there were so many of us now there are just 3. It would be different (maybe) if we were older but I am the oldest and the only one left that is even in my 50's.
Now my sisters and I can move forward in the grieving process that we have been in for years. Our mother has been gone for a very long time but we have been kinda stuck in the grieving process because physically she was still with us.
Life is fragile and precious and I will continue to suck every breath I can out of it. Life is for the living and as we approach 'hell month' (that would be Sept.) I will, even as I remember those gone remind myself, life is for the living and I will honor those gone more by living life than I will mourning what isn't anymore. Does that mean I forget or don't think of them everyday? Hell no!!! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember Daddy, Bobby, Gerald, Edward, and now Mama. But as you have heard me say life is all abut choices. I can choose to be bitter or I can choose to be better. I choose to be better and be stronger for it all. I choose to live not just exist. What I know at this moment I am getting really tired of having to call the rest of the family to tell them someone has died. As I told the sisters when we admitted Mama to Hospice, 'we know what is coming but I am depending on you two to be around for awhile. Will be back later.
