Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Life is Just Too Short
Saw one of the little post card thingys on Facebook a few days ago that really caught my attention. It simply said, "In the blink of an eye everything can change. So forgive often and love with all of your heart. You may never know when you may not have that chance again." It is getting close to a year since the baby brother died and as has been discussed among the sisters, other family, and some friends we are all still dealing with this. Given the fact that both brothers died so young and with the situation like it is with Mama this is not real surprising. I try very hard to let the people who are important in my life know what they mean to me. Alas though I am human and I sometimes fail. For that I apologize. My heart is heavy right now because I cannot live up to what sometimes others want me to be. I realize the brevity of life and it is just too damn short for those rifts in relationships that should not be there to start with. I would say that I am sorry for being selfish and taking what I want from life but that would be a lie. So for now I will just remind us all that life is for living.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Not Gonna Change the Name
Yes, I am aware that I have been away for a long time so let me take a few minutes to catch up. If you have read previous posts then you have an idea of how I have felt in the past about Mother's Day. This Mother's Day was quite a bit different. As I have previously mentioned we have admitted our mother to a Hospice program. It was a little different this year because in all actuality this was probably my last Mother's Day with my mother. Even though it has been several years since she has known any of us, even though she had no idea that it was Mother's Day, even though she had no idea who was sitting with her it was still a bit, oh I don't even know what word I am looking for, it was just strange knowing that it was most likely the last time I would ever spend a Mother's Day with my mother. My visits with her are only about every two weeks now and I am ok with that. However, it is something that dwells in the back of my mind, 'is today going to be the day that I get the call?'. Mama is averaging a weight loss of about a pound a week and my sisters and I have discussed that we have been really surprised that none of her organs are showing any sign of shutting down. Again, back to the family motto, it just is what it is.
In my previous post I referred to the new man in my life. Well the new man is my new husband, hence the reason for the title of today's post. I am not going to change the name of my blog because widowhood was one of those mid-life crisis . This gentleman is very good to me. I told him a couple of weeks ago that I have been accused of many things in my life and many of them were true, but one thing that I have never been accused of is being spoiled and dang if he ain't trying to mess that up! Yes, I am aware that it was sudden but rest assured this was not a decision that I did not spend a great deal of thought about and spend even a greater amount of prayer on. Yet, even with the shortness of time I was completely sure that it was right. I said when Bobby died that if I remarried that God would put it together and not me and we both feel that is exactly what happened.
As I have mentioned before dating at this age was just so different. Let me also say that what you look for in a marriage is also very different at this age. I had several people tell me that they were glad that I was happy. I appreciate this very much but as I have told 2 or 3 folks, I have been happy even with all the crap that has come along in the last 4 to 5 years. Happy is something that is within you not something that depends on outward circumstances. But when Bobby was sick and we knew he was not going to get better when I would try to picture my future all I could see was a big black gaping hole. With Larry, my new husband I did not see that big black gaping hole anymore. It is beyond nice to be able to have someone to talk with, to share things with, to have that person who is interested in how your day was, who is willing to share all your concerns. From the very beginning we have been able to talk about anything and everything and while that is important at any age it seems to be more important as I am middle aged. It is a joy for me that I don't have to keep all the balls in the air by myself any more.
There are many life experiences that unless you have experienced them you really can't understand them. Losing a spouse is one of those experiences. I have managed quite well and have enjoyed learning about my own strengths and weaknesses. Yet at the same time most people would never know the loneliness that I have felt over the past 3+ years. Very few people know the nights that I slept in the recliner because I just could not stand the thought of sleeping in the bed alone. Most people who know me never knew the times that I skipped eating because it was just too damned depressing to sit and eat by yourself. Even as active as I have been and as close as my family is, it doesn't matter how many people you surround yourself with there is still that loneliness there that until you have experienced it you just can't understand. Bobby and I had a good marriage and were happy together. As I explained to Larry there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to Bobby but it is big enough to include someone else. Also, as I explained to him I will always love Bobby, but I have enough love for someone else. Many people never have even one time what Bobby and I had but to be blessed enough to experience that oneness of spirit again with someone else, I can only say that God has smiled on me twice. I will write more later on the wedding and other goings on because I am getting rather lengthy.
Also, one more update. I am 8 weeks away from being officially menopausal! Let me tell you right now if between now and Oct. 1 if I have a period I am not gonna be pleasant to be around for awhile! And I feel fairly certain that would be an understatement!
I will be back and I won't wait 3 months the next time. TTYL
In my previous post I referred to the new man in my life. Well the new man is my new husband, hence the reason for the title of today's post. I am not going to change the name of my blog because widowhood was one of those mid-life crisis . This gentleman is very good to me. I told him a couple of weeks ago that I have been accused of many things in my life and many of them were true, but one thing that I have never been accused of is being spoiled and dang if he ain't trying to mess that up! Yes, I am aware that it was sudden but rest assured this was not a decision that I did not spend a great deal of thought about and spend even a greater amount of prayer on. Yet, even with the shortness of time I was completely sure that it was right. I said when Bobby died that if I remarried that God would put it together and not me and we both feel that is exactly what happened.
As I have mentioned before dating at this age was just so different. Let me also say that what you look for in a marriage is also very different at this age. I had several people tell me that they were glad that I was happy. I appreciate this very much but as I have told 2 or 3 folks, I have been happy even with all the crap that has come along in the last 4 to 5 years. Happy is something that is within you not something that depends on outward circumstances. But when Bobby was sick and we knew he was not going to get better when I would try to picture my future all I could see was a big black gaping hole. With Larry, my new husband I did not see that big black gaping hole anymore. It is beyond nice to be able to have someone to talk with, to share things with, to have that person who is interested in how your day was, who is willing to share all your concerns. From the very beginning we have been able to talk about anything and everything and while that is important at any age it seems to be more important as I am middle aged. It is a joy for me that I don't have to keep all the balls in the air by myself any more.
There are many life experiences that unless you have experienced them you really can't understand them. Losing a spouse is one of those experiences. I have managed quite well and have enjoyed learning about my own strengths and weaknesses. Yet at the same time most people would never know the loneliness that I have felt over the past 3+ years. Very few people know the nights that I slept in the recliner because I just could not stand the thought of sleeping in the bed alone. Most people who know me never knew the times that I skipped eating because it was just too damned depressing to sit and eat by yourself. Even as active as I have been and as close as my family is, it doesn't matter how many people you surround yourself with there is still that loneliness there that until you have experienced it you just can't understand. Bobby and I had a good marriage and were happy together. As I explained to Larry there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to Bobby but it is big enough to include someone else. Also, as I explained to him I will always love Bobby, but I have enough love for someone else. Many people never have even one time what Bobby and I had but to be blessed enough to experience that oneness of spirit again with someone else, I can only say that God has smiled on me twice. I will write more later on the wedding and other goings on because I am getting rather lengthy.
Also, one more update. I am 8 weeks away from being officially menopausal! Let me tell you right now if between now and Oct. 1 if I have a period I am not gonna be pleasant to be around for awhile! And I feel fairly certain that would be an understatement!
I will be back and I won't wait 3 months the next time. TTYL
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)