Let me begin with a disclaimer. This is only funny because it is so bizarre and ludicrous. And because I choose to laugh about it.
I mentioned in my story about when I thought I had buried Bobby in my pants that there were 2 humorous moments from that day. Here is the other one.
I am sitting there on Sunday afternoon minding my own business, still trying to get used to the quiet of the house, when my phone rings. As I mentioned before, this was the Sun. before he would have been dead 3 weeks the following Tues. I keep mentioning that because it is sort of relevant to how ridiculous the following is. I answer the phone and on the other end is a man(?) from here in town. He asked how I was doing and as I am a polite person I replied with "I am fine and how are you?" He proceeded to tell me the reason he was calling was to ask if I had thought about dating yet. Now let me explain about this person in question. He is a little slow as in "special" slow but even he ain't that damned retarded! At this point I can't even think about what I want for dinner. Seriously, it was such a struggle to just make a decision about what to eat that I pretty much lived off of iced sugar cookies and brownies for about 2 months! And he wants to know have I given any thought to dating again! I firmly (I thought) told him that no I had not and had no idea when I would, if ever. He then proceeds to plead his cause with I knew him and his family and knew how old he was but he didn't think age mattered to me. I told him again that I had no interest in dating at this point but thank you just the same. He finishes with when I did get ready would I please keep him in mind. I thanked him for calling and told him that I had to go.
Now let me interject here. At this point if he had looked like a Greek God, had a million dollars, and would sign a pre-nup that he couldn't touch me and I didn't have to touch him, and I got all of his money if something were to happen I would still not have been interested. But that is not the case here. Think of one of the munchkins from The Wizard of Oz with a very nasally tone of voice. And that STILL doesn't quite fit. Let me just say that even now that I would like to be dating they have not distilled enough liquor or minted enough money for me to call this man. Hell will be full of icebergs first! But the story sadly does not end there. The next day after I had gone to see Ethel and tell her both stories I was sitting in my office when Ethel came down to check on me. I got a phone call and while I was talking to my client a lady from the local florist comes in with a delivery for me. I just nodded and mouthed "thank you" at her and she left. As soon as I hung up the phone I looked at the card and you can guess who they were from. Yep, with a message on the card that read, "Call me when you are ready". Ain't picked that phone up yet! Now you might be wondering what I did with the flowers (and you may not be). I threw them in the trash because I did not want to have to explain to ANYBODY where they came from. The word mortified pretty well fits here. I did not acknowledge them in any fashion what so ever! A couple of weeks later my office phone rings and it is him again asking what time I got off work. I told him and he then proceeds to tell me that he is coming to pick me up when I finish work and we are going to dinner. Like I said before he is a little slow but at that point I unloaded with both barrels! I told him that, "hell no, he was not picking me up, that not only was I not going to dinner with him that evening, but as far as I was concerned I would never be going to dinner or anywhere else with him and the best thing he could do was not call me anymore." By this time I had told my two youngest siblings about this and a few days later my brother (the horse trader) asked had he called anymore. I told him about that conversation and he did ask if he needed to go see him and have a "little chat". I told him that I thought I had handled it and would let him know if he needed to. Haven't heard another word from him and he will hardly look at me when I see him around town.
You know it is no wonder I couldn't find my pants after that. Feel free to laugh because I certainly have many times!
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